Not good!

Things that prove things are not going well:

When you think back to back Horrid Henry is a great idea despite deciding it was an awful programme never to be watched again after the first time you saw it.
When you suggest the boys watch TV for another 5 minutes whilst you try to do something without them.
When you realise at 2pm that you haven't actually eaten anything since 8pm the previous evening, and that what you ate then was take-out in the town centre.
When you decide white bread and marmalade is the easiest thing to keep you going.
When you manage to break two plates by banging them too hard onto the work surface whilst trying to control your irritation.
When you mange to eat 2 slices in only 4 mouthfuls!
When you can't decide whether to soothe the screaming 5 month old, or the shrieking 3 year old.
When you are on you 5th cup of tea despite only limiting youself to 2 cups a day for the past 11 months.
When you are mentally compiling a list of what hurtful things you have said to your husband over the years and dismissing them all as not harsh enough to greet him with when he finally arrives home.
When you wish you had enough money to book a holiday somewhere...anywhere....and go off with just the baby and without telling husband or older children.
When you are relieved that the older children aren't around because you have things you want to say to them that you know should be saved until a calmer day.
When you are wondering if anyone would bother to actually cook a meal if you didn't, or would they all just ignore all the food in the fridge and clear off to the takeaway. And then actually consider that as a good idea....again.
When your baby's third day of constant crying no longer has you wondering how to help.......just how to shut her up.
When you think that shoving everything in the bin would be so much easier than sorting it into the recycling boxes.
When you consider locking youself in the bathroom and turning the radio up as loudly as possible, with little people on the other side of the door.
When you realise that you have screamed at your 13 year old son because you feel guilty about screaming at the 3 year old son.
When you cant bear the thought of your 3 year old asking for booby again....
When your husband rings to see if you need anyshopping and you put the phone straight back down on him.
When you just want to shake yourself and tell yourself what a horrible person you are today.

Smiles.

Cain:

Sophie and Heather:

Jenni (smiling for Cain to take her photo):

Heather:

And another educational outcome.

So whilst I'm thinking a lot about our unconventional educational choices I thought I'd tell about Jen's journey. Jen never got on with the education system. She has always been a highly spirited and challenging character, right from when she first learnt to walk and talk. School was a big challenge for her and she for school. Discipline is not a word that can be used in a sentence with Jen involved. The structure and discipline and conformity of school certainly does not suit her personality at all. From her very first day in high school the game was on. Who would crack first...Jen or the teachers? Well things didn't progress well. Oh they were fond of telling us what a bright girl Jen was, how she could go far if only she'd buckle down, toe the line. Words quickly followed by complaints about her character, her personality, her independence. Oh I never wore the rose tinted glasses where Jen was concerned, I know there were issues and a lot were prompted by her own actions. But I also knew that she was pushed beyond her limits, and often deliberately or so it appeared. Imagine being accused of making a racist comment because you have a spat with your best friend. And having your parents called in. And having to have a one to one lesson in racial tolerance. And then to be friends with the same person the very next day! And for that friend to tell the teachers that you are in no way racist. But still have to attend the special lesson, and the detention meted as punishment for the uncommitted offence.
But there were so many issues, far too many to post here. But there was always the carrot that just about kept Jen in school......year 10 options included hair and beauty at the local college. Jen wanted desperately to get on that course. So both she and the school persevered. But then in year nine it was time to choose options. And then the bombshell.....the school were no longer going to offer the hair and beauty course! Jen was livid. And her barely controlled feelings towards school burst out. And so we had the choice, remove Jen to another school or permanent exclusion. But we knew there was a third option, something we had followed with Emma only a couple of years earlier. We could remove her from school altogether and make her responsible for her own education. So we did.
The school could barely hide their pleasure, the problem was resolved and without their input. And so Jen's new path was laid. It wasn't easy. She enjoyed the new freedom, stayed in bed until the afternoon, stayed out late at night, spent a lot of time at her sisters home. We had our difficult times. She blamed me personally many times for taking her out of school although we had discussed it all with her and she knew she was at the point of exclusion before our actions. But we allowed her to make choices, to experience the life she thought she wanted to live.
Two years rolled by and her peers were sitting their GCSE's. Jen wasn't. But she had decided she wanted to go back to education. She was applying for the local college. And her career plans had changed. She wanted to go into social work, leaning towards working with addicts and the homeless. A career path one would never have imagined her suggesting two years earlier. So she applied to a health and social care course. Didn't have the required GCSE's but sat an entrance exam instead. And passed. So she began the course. She was shocked to find that everyone else on the course had upwards of five GCSE's, all with good grades. She at first thought she wouldn't be able to keep up with them. But she kept going.
And now she is in the second half term. She is enjoying the course immensely. For the first time in her life she does homework, properly, and without complain. She arrives on time. She attends every lesson. She likes the tutors, laughs with them, talks to them. And last week an initial report landed on our doormat. I was so pleased to find comment after comment applauding Jen's hard work, her punctuality, her attendance, her manner, her personality, her effort. Something that was never written on any of her school reports. Ever. What an amazing turnaround.
And so I had to ask what had changed? Surely it was still a form of school? With rules, regulations, being told what to do, when and how to do it. Her reply? Well they talk to her like she's human, rather than talking down to her and ordering her about. Their rules have reasons, unlike the schools. Example: school dictated that coats could only be black and with no brand labels. Any other colour would be confiscated and parents would be notified. WTF?
And the subject matter. One she is interested in. No languages being forced upon her. No drama lessons, no art, no lessons that she has absolutely no interest in. (Not that those lessons aren't useful to some, just that they were of no interest to her at that time).
So now she is enjoying life, enjoying learning. And reaping the rewards. And especially proud of the fact that she is consistently achieving pass with merit on all her coursework, and is at the top of her study group. Not bad for a school dropout who at best would spend their life on benefits or in a menial low paid job to pay for cigarettes and booze. The school teachers thoughts and words ;-)
And Jen's own thoughts on reading this?
She finds it strange that she is at the same stage and in the same learning and life situation as the rest of her peers, despite spending two years "enjoying" life, missing school, doing things she wanted to do, whilst her peers are enjoying their freedom now by rebelling at times and doing all the things she has already done. Shehas been there and is at the other side.
And she's grateful that she didn't get on a hairdressing course....she says that would be her nightmare career now!
Way to go Jen.

The expected educational journey.

Helen always wanted to be a vet. From being a tiny girl, just beyond walking and talking she loved animals, she dreamed of looking after them, making the poorly ones all better. So she tried hard through school, listened in class, did her homework, kept her head down and all that. Then she got to year 9....options year. What did she need to study to be a vet? She made her choices, and then the problems began. If she took option A, then she couldn't take take option B alongside as they ran both GCSE lessons concurrently. But she needed both to be in with a chance of doing the right A levels. So she was told to pick option A and C. Forget B, they could deal with that when she reached sixth form. We weren't happy, asked her to look at other schools, but she didn't want to. The teachers assured her everything would be fine. We should have realised it wouldn't be when the headteacher suggested she study child development as it would be easy for her with so many siblings! Well isn't that just a great reason to study a particular subject? "Mmmm, I have lots of brothers and sisters so I might as well study childcare, I'm sure that will be a great help in becoming a vet....".
So she did the GCSE's, passed them all with nothing less than a C grade, and a good handful of A's and B's. She went through to the sixth form selection process and then the bombshell......she didn't have the right selection of GCSE's to study her choice of A levels. But she could try another college around 12 miles away. So she applied there only to find out it was too late and the courses were filled. Her school sixth form had held the selection process later than all the colleges within a fair distance, so by expecting to continue there she had lost her chance to apply elsewhere.
But she had a plan B. If she couldn't study to be a vet then she would go into nursing, her second choice career. So she had a brief discussion with her former school and made her farewells before applying to a cadet course run by yet another college. She was offered a place immediately and so started there. But she was overqualified for the course and so only had to attend part-time and not attend the key skills lessons with the other students. This didn't go down well with some of the other cadets and gave the impression that Helen was somehow better than them, not something she encouraged at all. She passed the first year with distinction and went into the summer break. The second year of the course had a delayed start due to funding issues but Helen eventually started back at the end of September. Only there was further key skills which she didn't need to attend, and placements to a nursing home that meant high travel costs due to the out of the way location. Helen was not happy and so she left the course. Her tutos and fellow students were shocked and suggested she was being stupid as she needed to do the course to get into Uni, to which she told them that she didn't.
The main reason for her starting the course was because it promised an interview at university at the end, and also as a filler whilst she waited to reach the minimum age to apply for nursing, 17.5 years. She left school at 16y 9m due to her September birthday, with enough qualifications but too young to apply for Uni so took up the cadet course. Thought she might as well do the full two years in the beginning taking her to the age of 18y 9m and then she would be applying for the next intake at Uni which should have been September 2010, aged 19y exactly. But she let the course this September at age 18 and thoroughly disillusioned with the whole education system. She immediately filled in her UCAS application and then set about finding a job to see her through until she could start Uni. Then only two weeks later one of her choice of Uni's wrote to invite her to the selection process ready for next year's intake. The interview was held today. Helen was overjoyed to be offered a place. And better still, she was told that there were a few places available on the very next intake if she wanted to start early. So after all the changes in plans, the misinformation, the lack of guidance and help from those who were there to support her into a career of choice, Helen is finally at the point she wanted to be, and all arranged through her own determination. Oh and starting Uni earlier than anyone of her school year. Whilst she should be right now working her way through the second year of sixth form, further education, college, whatever it is where you are, and planning to start Uni next September, she will actually be starting her course in March, a full six months ahead of her peers. So much for the expected journey through the schooling calendar................

Hazy days.

Illness is still the name of the game here just now although things are improving slowly. There are so many things I want to talk about, but just now it's a case of getting through each day. If I can keep on top of the mess, keep us fed and clean, keep us from boredom, then thats enough for that day. I keep wording posts in my head during the settling to sleep times, the feeds, the cleaning up mess, but they are disjointed and rambling and by the time I sit down with the laptop they are gone from my mind, or other more pressing uses for the laptop are calling. So I'll post about sleep, and small person nursing, and thoughts on parenting, and other general things that make up our family on another day. Today I'll just share some pictures of how things are here.

Heather is doing a lot of this lately:


She is getting so frustrated that she can't do the things she wants to. How difficult it must be for her right now, knowing what she wants but having to wait for someone to pass it to her. Or managing to get hold of the elusive object but not having the strength to keep hold for long, or even the understanding of where it keeps going. So a lot of cuddling, a lot of conversation consisting of cooed replies, a lot of passing and dropping and re-passing and re-dropping.

Night time visitors:


We have a paved yard surround by eight foot walls with no way in apart from a small hole cut in the gate for Delilah to come and go, so I'm guessing thats how he arrived. Although where he came from is a mystery as the nearest large piece of open ground or hedgehog type habitat is at least 300 yards away. Delilah seems quite happy to share her food with him though doesn't she?

This has been the weather of late:


Cloudy, cold, raining by the bucket, howling winds and general greyness all around. But we still find chances to go out and play. A new park discovered by John and loved by Owen, Cain and Sophie:


And after all the running around sleep comes more easily:


Giving me time to clean and tidy, something that has taken a back seat since Heather arrived here with us but now I have my neat and tidy home almost back. I know, it's stupid to be obsessed with tidiness with so many children, and then HE'ing as well, but I just need neatness and order for at least some of the time. I have to tidy before I go to sleep because it affects my mood terribly if I come down to an untidy room in the morning. Thats just how I am.


And as the day ends its time for a cup of fruit tea, a piece of cake and a catch up:


OK the cake isn't real but it is kind of sweet don't you think? John came across a lady knitting them for charity at a car boot sale so bought a selection. Yes I could have done them myself but sometimes it's nice to admire anothers work. Very realistic don't you think?

Impressed..........perhaps not.

Not sure Heather likes missing out on all the picnic fun!

Autumn days.

The biggest and the smallest to be found in last weeks organic box, a tiny caterpillar and a huge marrow:

Meeting mythical tree beings on woodland walks:

Secret tunnels ready for exploring:

So many hungry ducks:

Owen took this photo. A blaze of red in a sea of green:

Keep to the path? Then how would we find the biggest conkers?